


stranger

by LightningInABottle



Series: BLUE LIPS [6]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Break Up, Cheating, Crying, Flashbacks, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, Kissing, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Rejection, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Thomas Jefferson Being an Asshole, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, car makeouts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 16:12:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17267258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningInABottle/pseuds/LightningInABottle
Summary: Alexander Hamilton should've known the other shoe would drop eventually.He should've known all of his actions would catch up to him.He just didn't expect for it to be this bad, to hurt this much.





	stranger

**Author's Note:**

> For enhanced reading experience, listen to stranger by Tove Lo!  
> (And there are also five other parts to this series that are kinda important to read for context)

The thing is, with drugs, there was always a comedown. Alexander Hamilton just didn’t expect it to happen like this, didn’t expect it to hurt this badly. He was truly alone now, unwanted. Without John, without Eliza, without Thomas Jefferson, there was a gaping, ragged black hole in his chest. It made him into someone vicious and desperate and destructive, even more so that usual. That was how he got here, standing in the middle of a club, trying to hold back tears with a snarl and the promise of a hookup. But why did everything _ hurt _ ?

* * *

_ Alex should’ve known something was wrong from the very first second he saw Jefferson’s face, illuminated by the lights of the club they were at. There was something oddly resolute in his expression, determination set like a cold diamond in his eyes. But Alex was too busy trying to tap back into his high to care. Jefferson could do whatever he wanted as long as he ended up fucking Alex sometime tonight. _

_ —fading out, just his way of life— _

_ Alex’s actions all seemed like a cycle, one that Alex wasn’t willing to break. Everything was blurred and slow and not good enough to dull the ache. He felt faded, like an overwashed shirt tossed to the side. It was impossible to say what had caused all these swirling, sinking feelings, whether it was Jefferson’s strange gentleness or John’s absence. Or maybe the fact that Angelica was coming back from London soon, making Alex feel even guiltier about his inability to commit to her sister. _

_ —losing high when the beat goes down— _

_ He had begun to regret not going to Jefferson’s apartment. Instead of just showing up like he usually did, Alex sent a message telling him to meet at the club. Alex was thinking about John lately, which of course meant that he needed to get extra high tonight. And the comfort of Jefferson’s bed wasn’t the place where Alex had wanted to be. Not right then, anyway. But now, the thrumming bass and the weed that somehow wasn’t potent enough to wipe away his pain just caused him discomfort. He wanted to get out of here, find Jefferson and leave. _

_ “Take me now,” he murmured into Jefferson’s ear, grabbing onto his arm like it was an anchor. “Take me to a place we’re alone.” Alex knew Jefferson couldn’t resist him, not even after more than a month of hooking up. Not even pausing to look back at him, Jefferson led them out of the sweaty club and into the cool parking lot. Although Alex wasn’t high, not yet anyway, he still felt dizzy, like a wrung-out rag.  _

_ “We're alone,” Jefferson said the second they had gotten into his car, not in the driver and passenger seats, but the more roomy backseat. Thankfully, there was no need to call a taxi since neither of them had gotten much more than half a beer in their systems. Alex wasted no time grabbing Jefferson’s jacket and pulling him in for a wild, unrestrained kiss.  _

_ —fading in, take off all my clothes—  _

_ Alex’s shirt was the first to go, then Jefferson’s joined it, thrown to the front of the car haphazardly. They had begun to fade in, becoming sharper, clearer, better. The more of their clothes that vanished, the more Alex faded back into his own body. Why did he ever think a crowded club would be better than this? The weed in his system had made everything blurry numbing his emotions to a dull ache. But Jefferson...Jefferson could make the pain vanish entirely.  _

_ —into you, my frustration grows— _

_ Their lips crashed together and Alex could feel himself melting into Jefferson, becoming just a body and nothing else. But he could see the uncertainty in Jefferson’s eyes when he pulled away, more cautious than he had ever seemed. He looked about one second away from saying something ridiculous like ‘are you okay?’ Alex couldn’t let him do that, couldn’t handle talking. His heart hurt too damn much, and if Jefferson could stop hesitating and fuck him already, Alex knew he could forget.  _

_ “Take me now,” Alex demanded, pulling Jefferson closer to him. Move already, goddamnit. He couldn’t remember a time when he had been this desperate, this wrecked. Nothing in particular had happened to set it off, not like the night he and Jefferson first started their strange thing. Maybe it was a natural erosion of his emotions, carving away at his chest until he was just a shell, filled with nothing but the desire for more. “Want you to bring me home.” _

* * *

 

Alex scanned the club, taking methodical drags of his joint and wishing he had some of the ecstasy pills that Jefferson usually brought. Maybe those would get him so high that all of his problems disappeared along with the ground. But Jefferson wasn’t here, nor did he want to be—that was made perfectly clear—so Alex was left with just himself for company.  _ Well, himself and a stranger in the dark. _

He knew that whoever he picked up tonight wouldn’t be as good as Jefferson; fuck,  _ no one  _ knew Alex’s body as well as him. Except maybe John, but that wasn’t the point because it was John that caused this entire mess. He and Jefferson had ruined Alex so much, so that he was nothing but a lonely, lonely heart.

A lonely heart who was currently making his way to the dance floor, waiting for someone to take him home, to distract him from the painful emptiness. If Jefferson didn’t want him, Alex would find someone who did. He discarded his joint, taking a deep breath as his veins started humming, taking him far away from here, to a place where he wasn’t alone. His eyes caught on a girl with pouty lips colored the same deep red as her dress and brown curls spilling to her shoulders. 

_ Maybe she was his stranger in the dark.  _ Alex really didn’t care who it was as long as it was  _ someone.  _ He could tell himself that it was just to let loose, have fun, but some small part of him already knew that he just didn’t want to be lonely, vagabond. Steps slightly unsteady, he walked over to her, Without his permission, his mind drifted towards Jefferson, who would hold him down, bring him home, and make him feel better, if only for a while. 

But that wasn’t what happened tonight. ****

* * *

 

The _ faux-leather of Jefferson’s car seat stuck to Alex’s skin the longer they kissed, fumbling with belts and zippers and all sorts of unnecessary things. Alex grinned up at Jefferson, grinding his hips up, and was rewarded with the sound of a low moan. Let's begin, he thought. If it were any other situation, Alex would love to tease him, making Jefferson beg for the win.   _

_ Until, of course, Jefferson got tired of playing along and doing everything Alex said, instead deciding to pin him down and take his prize anyways. Alex pulled him closer, intertwining their limbs. The warmth of his body was intoxicating, perfect, better than any drug. He was eager in the way he pressed himself to Jefferson, maybe a little too eager. Alex knew he was getting Jefferson high with nothing but his movements, so he pulled away to tell him just that, _

_ “I get you high, don’t I?” But what Alex saw in Jefferson’s expression was far from that. In fact, he seemed almost reluctant, a frown twisting his lips. He tried to shift away from Alex, but the cramped space of the car made it difficult to go anywhere without sitting up.  _

_ “Hamilton,” he began, chewing his bottom lip and prying Alex’s hands off of him. “Are you sure this is...a good idea?” Alex stopped dead in his tracks, confusion spiked with fear jolting him. Never had Jefferson directly refused him, there simply wasn’t a reason to. This had to be a mistake.  _

_ “What the fuck do you mean?” Alex hissed, a sneer building on his face as Jefferson squirmed over to other side of the car, zipper still halfway undone. He was torn between panic and fear. There was no way Jefferson would simply leave him, right? Alex wasn’t sure he could handle the one person he had grown to depend on rejecting him, especially when there was absolutely no reason to do so. _

_ “I mean, is it healthy?” Jefferson adjusted his jeans, reaching over to where his shirt was. Alex grabbed his wrist before he could. If this was just another consent issue, Jefferson could save it. They barely had anything to drink, and it was no worse than all of their other meetups. So why was he hesitating?  _

_ “Fuck healthy,” he said, voice ragged even to his own ears. When had his eyes and throat started prickling? The desperation he felt before was now magnified, making his vision swim. “Just make me forget.” Instead of resuming what they were doing before, Jefferson tugged on his shirt and reached out towards Alex, trying to draw him closer. No. An impromptu cuddle session wouldn’t help Alex, and Jefferson needed to understand that. _

_ “I’m sorry, I really should’ve said something earlier. But this isn’t the way to solve your problems.” Jefferson’s eyes widened when Alex yanked himself away from his touch, a disbelieving laugh bursting from his lips. Out of all the times Jefferson could have picked to be a saint, he chose now, when Alex needed him most.  _

_ “You aren’t my fucking shrink so stop acting like one,” Alex spat, glaring daggers at an unmoving Jefferson. “I wanna be what you want me to be.” He sat up as well, trying to lean in and twine his arms around Jefferson’s neck, but Jefferson pushed him away, fumbling with the door handle and stepping out of the car.  _

_ “See what I mean? You shouldn’t be this dependent on me.” Jefferson said the second Alex stepped out of the car as well. Alex gritted his teeth, sounding pathetic even to his own ears. What would it take for Jefferson to want him?  _

_ “What do you want me to do? I'd go anywhere, no rules, no boundaries.” Alex was getting desperate, to the point of pleading. “I don't care.” A moment of quiet passed, a flurry of emotions crossing Jefferson’s face. Alex identified one of them with surprising ease: concern.  _

_ “What if I care?” Jefferson whispered, so quietly that Alex almost missed it. But his words were unmistakable, as were the implications behind them. His head spun as he tried to process everything that was happening. Alex’s cheeks flushed pink, heartbeat pounding in his ears. Instead of acknowledging what Jefferson had just admitted, Alex simply rolled his eyes, shrugging him off with a clipped, strained voice.   _

_ “Oh, just take me home,” he pleaded, tears glistening in his eyes. They stared at each other for a few seconds, or maybe hours, the pure silence between them was only disturbed by the muffled beat of the music coming from the club. Then, Jefferson said the one thing Alex had been dreading, the one thing he had never said before. His voice was resolute as he met Alex’s eyes.  _

_ “No.” _

* * *

 

Alex came to a stop in front of the girl, flashing a smirk her way. She stared at him in a way that was almost cautious, eyebrows creasing together as she noticed his dishevelment. He must’ve looked a mess, clothes just barely adjusted, eyes still puffy and red, weed on his breath. But before Jefferson, none of his hookups really cared about that, so he was going to assume this one wouldn’t either. 

“I think,” he began, already falling into his usual pattern. “That you might be my stranger in the dark.” The girl laughed, eyes darting around somewhere behind him like she was looking for someone else. A shard of determination buried itself in Alex’s heart. He would make this girl forget whoever was on her mind.

“Actually, the name’s Maria. And who are you?” Maria’s voice was rich and melodic, but Alex couldn’t help noticing that when he leaned in closer to her, she shifted away ever-so-slightly.  _ I’m a lonely, lonely heart,  _ a small part of his brain whispered, projecting the unwanted image of Jefferson in his mind. This girl wasn’t perfect, but she was good enough. 

“I’m Alex…and I guess you could say I’m waiting for someone to take me home,” he said, brushing a strand of Maria’s hair behind her ear. Her breath smelled faintly of alcohol—something strong, like whiskey—although she didn’t seem drunk in the slightest. There really was no point in waiting for her to make the first move, Alex needed to get Jefferson out of his mind as quickly as possible. 

— _ you’re my stranger in the dark—I am lonely, lonely heart—waiting for someone to take me home— _

“Someone to take you home?” Maria echoed, the apprehension not fading from her expression when Alex moved close enough for his arm to wrap around her waist and lips to touch her ear. The gesture didn’t quite seem natural, not when Alex was so used to having to stand on his toes like he did with Jefferson. 

“ _ Yeah,”  _ he murmured, trying not to think of Jefferson, who actually  _ cared,  _ who would probably warn him that this was a terrible idea. But Jefferson had made it perfectly clear that he wouldn’t give Alex what he needed, driving away in his stupid car and leaving Alex alone. Again. Alex knew he didn’t have to be upset for long, though, because Maria was here, looking pretty enough with her red lips and low voice. 

_ —you're my stranger in the dark—I am lonely, vagabond—hold me down, want you to bring me home _ —

Alex violently pushed all thoughts of Jefferson from his mind, forcibly keeping all emotions away. He placed a hand on the back of Maria’s neck, pulling her in for a kiss. Their lips stayed pressed together for a grand total of three seconds before he felt her being pulled away. He looked up, glaring at whoever interrupted his shot at getting laid, and locked eyes with none other than Angelica Schuyler. 

Of course, his first thought was annoyance at being disrupted, and then concern for Maria, who looked ready to either burst into tears or run away the second she saw Angelica. It was only after Alex realized that he was looking at  _ the sister of his girlfriend, goddamnit,  _ that he froze up, all the blood draining from his face. Angelica looked just as shocked as he did, eyes flickering between him and Maria. 

_ “Oh my fucking god...Alex?”  _ Angelica’s wide eyes quickly narrowed, and Alex took a step back, torn between running away in fear and trying on a halfhearted excuse. But he knew he deserved this, deserved for everything to go wrong just when he was starting to forget. Angelica took one vicious step forward, looking ready to kill Alex, but was pulled back by Maria, who frowned and whispered something in her ear, obviously confused. Angelica responded louder, making sure Alex could hear.

_ “That  _ is my sister’s boyfriend,” she hissed venomously. Alex tried to steady his breathing, unable to understand  _ what the fuck was happening  _ or what was going on.  _ No no no no.  _ Maybe he deserved it, deserved to hurt, deserved all of this. After all, he was the one who hurt Eliza, wasn’t it only fair that it all came back to him? Alex opened his mouth to try to speak, but no words came out. His eyes darted between Maria and Angelica, who still hadn’t let go of each other. 

“I’m…” Alex trailed off, swallowing back all of the feelings that threatened to spill out. Was it so bad to want to get away, leave all of his worries behind in the bed of some stranger? A sharp headache began to pound at his temples, scattering all of his thoughts into bursts of pain and whirlpools of guilt. Instead of saying all of the things that he probably should have, starting with  _ sorry,  _ Alex simply turned and fled the club, bursting out into the cool parking lot air.

* * *

 

_ “So you're my last hope and—” Alex’s voice cracked, cutting off slightly when he saw Jefferson walk to the front of his car and open up the driver’s seat. “—And I don't care what you do.” Jefferson turned back to him, pursing his lips and averting his eyes.  _

_ “I told you, Hamilton, I care too much to watch you self-destruct.” Jefferson paused to look back at him, a ghost of a smile on his face. Why now, of all times, did he have to make the reasonable choice? Why couldn’t he just...not ask and not tell and leave Alex to do whatever he wanted without all of this bullshit? “But if you decide to choose me...I’ll leave my heart open. I’m gonna leave it for you.” Something in Alex’s chest skipped a beat at the hopeful words, but he crushed that part of himself, pulling back from the car as Jefferson got in, shaking his head. _

_ “Don’t leave,” he whispered, unsure if Jefferson could even hear him. Without the warmth of Jefferson’s body against his, the high of the past two months would wear off, dropping Alex in the pitfalls.  _

_ “You can walk on it,” Jefferson continued, looking out of his window at Alex, who back away even more, not even bothering to stop the first bit of tears spilling from his eyelashes.  _

_ “I wanna hurt, feeling used. Take the edge off it, please…” Jefferson looked so hopelessly lost in that moment that for a second Alex dared to believe that he would get out of the car and take him back into his arms. But instead of that, all he did was say three words.  _

_ “I’m sorry, Alexander.”  _

_ And then he drove off, leaving Alex too broken to really register that Jefferson just called him by his first name. _

* * *

 

The November wind bit into Alex’s skin as he pulled his phone out to call up an Uber, vividly reminded of he and Jefferson’s first night together. So much had changed since then. The tears that were building in him from the start of tonight were spilling out, his hands shaking and vision blurring. The worst part was, he knew he deserved this. After a year of highs and sex and fractured hearts, this was his consequence. 

He cried for John—who he would never see again. 

He cried for Eliza—who he had betrayed in the worst possible way.

And he cried for Jefferson—who  _ cared,  _ and who left him. 

After calling his ride home, Alex tapped over to his messages, the last one he had sent to Jefferson still on the screen. Alex took a deep breath before typing out a text and sending it. 

_ Just take the edge off it,  _ Alex typed out, not even trying to stop the hot tears burning their way down his face. If he had known losing this particular high would be so painful, he never would have approached Jefferson in the first place.  Finally, another message appeared on his screen. A broken sob left Alex’s lips and he squeezed his eyes shut. Alex had now become a stranger to himself.

 

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**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, please leave a comment to tell me what you thought!


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